With the Acts of Service Love Language, individuals tend to feel loved when you do things for them that you know they would like. Acts of service may be doing chores around the house, helping your partner study for a test or prepare for a presentation, or even cooking dinner for your partner and making sure to eat dinner together. Actions like this have a large very impact on making your partner feel loved when their love language is acts of service. As with all the love languages, acts of service do not have to be huge--like redoing the roof of the house. They can be small actions such as opening the door for you partner, helping clean up after dinner, or making the bed everyday. In fact, frequency of small acts of service could make a bigger impact on your partner than the large household projects. If this is your partner's love language, try to find small things to do for them often.  (Wondering about the difference between primary and secondary love languages?? Click here to learn more.)

The key is to do the things that are most important to your partner. So how to you determine what is most important? Try listening to the things they ask you to do the most, or the things they get critical about the most. Criticism in relationships is often related to deep emotional needs; your partner is often pleading for you to love them when they get critical. Instead of shutting down and getting defensive, it will be helpful for you to ask them “this is clearly important to you, help me understand why this is so important to you”. Over time, this will likely help your partner feel heard and understood, and then they will likely become less critical and make requests instead of demands.
 
If your love language is acts of service, then you may sometimes feel really frustrated and unloved when your partner does not do the things you ask them for. It is important to remember that love is a choice and can’t be forced. Sure, if you ask over and over again, you partner may eventually give in and do what you want. However, it won’t be out of love and may cause you both to feel further disconnected. No matter how much you ask, you cannot create your partner’s willingness to show you love in the way you desire it. They may still love you but be showing it in different ways--and I fully recognize that it may feel very empty for you if that is happening. In the end, all anyone can ever do is be grateful and appreciate when a partner chooses to show you love.

​If you are a partner of someone whose love language is acts of service, then you will also want to remember that you have a choice daily as to whether or not to love your significant other. You can choose to do this in any way you like, but you will get the most bang for your buck by meeting your partners requests as this will be more effective at making them feel emotionally loved.

Deployed or Long Distance:

• If you are at home, do house projects and send before and after photos to your partner; try to get things done on your own so your partner doesn’t need to do anything on the “honey-do list” when they get home.  
• If you are the one deployed or you are a long distance couple, arrange for things to be taken care of so your partner doesn’t have to worry about it—like arranging for the lawn to get mowed, childcare, a cleaning service, etc.

Since actions are so important for the person whose love language is acts of service, ignoring their requests will have a negative impact of causing them to feel emotionally deprived of love. You’ll want to avoid:

• Ignoring requests from your partner.
• Prioritizing the requests of other people over your partner’s requests.
• Lack of follow-through. If you say you are going to do something, do it.
• Assuming the things you are doing daily is what your partner wants you to do. If you cook dinner every day, but what your partner really wants is help with the kids, then their love tank will still feel empty because you aren’t doing the things they are longing for. The best thing is to ask them what you can help with and listen to their requests.

​We all need love relationships to thrive in life. Part of having love relationships is knowing how to show love to others in a way that they will receive. For someone whose love language is acts of service, then responding to their requests show them you care and helps your partner’s love tank feel full. When the emotional love tank is full, your partner will know they are important to you.

Download my FREE Guide Date Night: Ideas for Your Love Language. ​

Elizabeth Polinsky, MSW, LCSW, is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Virginia (#0904011022), South Carolina (#11302), and Arkansas (#7735-C). She is also licensed as a Resident in Marriage and Family Therapy in Virginia (#0730000567) under the supervision of Dr. Victoria Holroyd at The Relationship Center at East Beach.

My blogs and newsletters are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my blog posts and newsletters is not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The blog posts and newsletters are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, this account may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

With the Physical Touch Love Language, individuals tend to feel loved when they receive physical touch and affection from their partner.  Touch like hugs, kisses, hand holding, and cuddling have a large very impact on making them feel loves. This could also be kissing your partner on the cheek as they walk by, or touching their arm as you move around them in the kitchen. The touch does not have to be sexual or for a long period of time. In fact, frequency of small touches could make a bigger impact on your partner than long cuddle sessions if their love language is physical touch. If this is your partner's love language, try touching them often.  (Wondering about the difference between primary and secondary love languages?? Click here to learn more.)

​The key is showing your love for your partner through touch. This can be through intimate sexual touch or through non-intimate/ non-sexual touching. When you partner’s love language is physical touch, they prefer being touched over the other ways of showing love like gifts or compliments. Make sure to find ways to touch your partner often. This will make them feel close and connected to you!
 
Individuals whose love language is physical touch tend to be touchy with the people who are close to them. They might hug people, play fight, tickle, or cuddle with those that are important to them. They tend to be very affectionate toward others. If this is your partner’s love language, they are longing for you to also be physically affectionate back, give them hugs and kisses, and be in physical proximity to them.

Since physical touch is so important for the person whose love language is physical touch, negative touch has an equally negative impact. You’ll want to:

• Avoid withholding affection when you are angry. During a fight, your partner will need to know you still care and one way to do that is to still hug them and touch them even when there is a disagreement.
• Avoid going long periods without physical touch if possible. You don’t want your partner to feel neglected from love.
• This might be obvious, but avoid any type harmful touch. Hurting your partner is never ok.
• Avoid rejecting your partner when they touch you. If you scoff, or treat them coldly when they touch you, this will hurt them deeply. Instead be open and receptive to their touch.

​We all need love relationships to thrive in life. Part of having love relationships is knowing how to show love to others in a way that they will receive. For someone whose love language is physical touch, hugging, kissing, and holding hands helps them feel full and confident in your love. This helps them know they are important to you.

Download my FREE Guide Date Night: Ideas for Your Love Language. ​

​Elizabeth Polinsky, MSW, LCSW, is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Virginia (#0904011022), South Carolina (#11302), and Arkansas (#7735-C). She is also licensed as a Resident in Marriage and Family Therapy in Virginia (#0730000567) under the supervision of Dr. Victoria Holroyd at The Relationship Center at East Beach.

My blogs and newsletters are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my blog posts and newsletters is not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The blog posts and newsletters are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, this account may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

With the Words of Affirmation Love Language, individuals tend to feel loved when they receive compliments from their partner.  Verbalizing your love with words has a large very impact for them. Statements like “I’m grateful you...”, “I appreciate that you…”, and “I love how you…” will help you partner feel loved if their primary love language is words of affirmation. If this is your partner's love language, try telling them things you appreciate about them and compliment them often.  (Wondering about the difference between primary and secondary love languages?? Click here to learn more.)

The key is showing your appreciation for your partner through words. This does not always have to be verbalizing it in person—hand written cards and notes will have the same impact as long as you are sharing your appreciations for your partner. When you partner’s love language is words of affirmation, they long to know what makes them special and unique to you. Make sure to tell them about why you find them special and why you love them. This will make their heart soar!
 
Individuals whose love language is words of affirmation tend to be very aware of the details of other peoples lives. They will notice if you did something different and will usually remember the details of your previous conversations and ask follow up questions when they see you next. They tend to be very encouraging and notice the unique details of others. If this is your partner’s love language, they are longing for you to notice the details of their life, ask follow up questions about how things have gone, and provide verbal encouragement and support.

Since words carry so much weight for the person whose love language is words of affirmation, negative blaming and criticism words have a powerfully negative impact. Just as positive words have an impact, the negative do too. They will be very hurt and wounded by negative and critical comments. You’ll want to avoid:

• Blaming them
• Name Calling
• Critical Remarks
• Teasing too much
• Using hurtful words
• Saying what you know will hurt them during a fight
• Condescending comments
• Trying to convince them they are wrong or actually think differently than what they are telling you
• Withholding words of affirmation as a form of punishment or to get your point across

​We all need love relationship to thrive in life. Part of having love relationships is knowing how to show love to others in a way that they will receive. For someone whose love language is words of affirmation, telling them how much you care for, appreciate, and love them helps them feel full and confident in your love. They need to understand why they are important to you.

Download my FREE Guide Date Night: Ideas for Your Love Language. ​

​Elizabeth Polinsky, MSW, LCSW, is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Virginia (#0904011022), South Carolina (#11302), and Arkansas (#7735-C). She is also licensed as a Resident in Marriage and Family Therapy in Virginia (#0730000567) under the supervision of Dr. Victoria Holroyd at The Relationship Center at East Beach.

My blogs and newsletters are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my blog posts and newsletters is not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The blog posts and newsletters are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, this account may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

The five love languages, based on the book by Dr. Gary Chapman, are a method of understanding how you and you feel loved. When you understand your love languages, and the love languages of your partner, you are better able to communicate your love in ways that will be heard.
 
Five Love Languages Summary (read the full overview here):
1.Words of Affirmation: With this love language, verbalizing love goes a long way.
2.Physical Touch: This love language longs to be physically close.
3.Gifts: Small meaningful gifts make this person feel loved.
4.Acts of Service: With this love language, actions speak louder than words.
5.Quality Time: This love language longs to have your undivided attention.

While most people have a top love language that makes them feel really loved. Some people have a primary and a secondary love language. You can learn more about primary and secondary love languages here. 

For the majority of people, the way natural ways they feel loved are also the natural ways they tend to try to show love to others. So for someone who feels loved when they are given gifts, they tend to give gifts to others to show their affection. In this case, this individual’s love language for receiving and giving love are the same.
 
However, for some individuals, they give and receive love differently. Maybe they feel really loved when they are complemented and told they are appreciated. However, they could have a different way of showing other that they love them—maybe they prefer quality time or acts of service as how they give love to others.
 
It is important to consider whether your love language is the same for both giving and receiving love, as well as whether your partners love language is the same for both giving and receiving. Having this information can help you modify your strategies so you can give love in a way your partner will receive it, as well as understand when they are trying to show you love—even if it isn’t always the same why that you would receive it!

If you aren't sure what you love language is, read my article on how to know your love language.

Download my FREE Guide Date Night: Ideas for Your Love Language. 

The five love languages, based on the book by Dr. Gary Chapman, are a method of understanding how romantic partners feel loved. When we understand our love languages, and the love languages of our partner, we are better able to communicate love in ways that will be heard.
 
Five Love Languages Summary (read the full overview here):
1.Words of Affirmation: With this love language, verbalizing love goes a long way.
2.Physical Touch: This love language longs to be physically close.
3.Gifts: Small meaningful gifts make this person feel loved.
4.Acts of Service: With this love language, actions speak louder than words.
5.Quality Time: This love language longs to have your undivided attention.

According to Dr. Chapman, people have primary and secondary love languages. A primary love language is what will have the largest impact on you or your partner, and if this primary love language is missing in the relationship it can have a deep and painful impact. For example, I have a best friend whose primary love language is gifts. If I give her a gift, it will make her feel very loved; and if I forget to give her a gift on her birthday, it will sting.
 
A secondary love language is another language that can make you feel loved, but doesn’t have as huge of an impact—either positive or negative. So in the case of my friend, compliments and words of affirmation make her feel good, but they don’t have the same positive impact as gifts. It also doesn’t hurt as badly when there aren’t as many words of affirmation.

In order to know your love language, think about a time when you felt really loved. See if you can pinpoint the times and events in your life where you were feeling loved. It may have been a time you were cuddling on the couch, or when someone gave you a meaningful complement or gift, or maybe the time someone helped you with grocery shopping or did laundry together. The times you felt loved are good pointers as to what your love language might be. Ask you partner about the memories when they have felt most loved. This will help you determine their love language as well.
 
Knowing primary and secondary love languages in a relationship is important because you want the most bang for your buck when it comes to making your partner feel loved. If you know your partner’s primary love language, then you know where to put a lot of your efforts in demonstrating love to them. The secondary love language is also helpful to know because you can bolster your efforts at showing love through sprinkling in healthy doses of your partners secondary love language on top of the primary love language.  ​

Download the FREE Guide: "Date Night: Ideas for Your Love Language"