Is love worth the risk?

In this podcast episode, Elizabeth Polinsky interviews April, a military spouse, on her experiences of taking the risk on love. 

We discuss challenges of military family life and infertility, as well as tips for communicating and growing closer together despite obstacles.

SUMMARY: 

• Challenges of military family life 
• Impact of infertility  
• Tips for communicating 
• Tips for overcoming obstacles

MAIN POINTS:

Introduction to April:
April is a military spouse, 23 yrs old, and has been married 4 years. Creating a life she loves with her husband has been one of the best things to happen. 

The Love Story: 
He was the server at a restaurant that she went to when celebrating her birthday. Her friends gave him her number and he called her. On their first date, they went running and hiking. He was three hours late to work because he didn’t want to leave their first date.

​She had a difficult relationship and had been in an abusive relationship prior. It was shocking how wonderful he was. She wanted to focus on the good that could be in her future instead of focusing on what had happened in her past. She made a conscious choice to invest in the relationship and move forward.

Challenges they faced over the years: 

1. Long distance due to military life which exacerbates anxiety and depression
2. Learning to communicate when long distance
3. Health complications
4. Infertility

​
They have been trying to have another baby for 3 years and this has caused a lot of pain. It has been one of the biggest hurdles they have faced. Especially because she wants to have a baby with her husband, the right person. ​

April's tips for navigating challenges: 

1. Communication is key--being honest and sharing your feelings 
   1. Men cannot be mind readers
   2. Opening up without blaming 
2. Understanding our love languages 
   1. They have differing love languages which means that they don’t always get the message that their partner is trying to send
3. Sharing vulnerable emotions
   1. When she feels sad, it often comes off as anger because she is more comfortable with anger than with sadness. 
   2. She has learned to explain to her husband that underneath the snappiness is actually sadness.
   3. Sharing vulnerable emotions helped them get through the infertility as well as help them bond and grow closer during that time period. It helped them feel on the same page.
4. Have a regular meeting about the relationship

How to navigate a relationship when there are different love languages:
(learn more about love languages here)

1. Show appreciation after a partner does something that is your love language 
   1. You want to encourage and show appreciation for what they are doing. The more you show appreciation, the more likely they are to do it (ie. positive reinforcement)  
2.  Recognizing and accepting that their love language is different. 
   1. It’s normal for people to go back to what feels natural 
   2. Try to recognize when your partner is trying to show love even when it isn’t your love language
3. Recognizing that it is my partner’s choice when to show love
   1. People often want others to show them love when they want it and how they want it. 
   2. Instead try to appreciate it when a partner chooses to show love to you

Book Recommendations: 

• 5 Love Languages Military Edition by Dr. Gary Chapman
  • ​Download Liz's Date Night Guide for your love language here! 
    
• Hold Me Tight by Dr. Sue Johnson
• ​More book recommendations can be found here. ​

Liz's Useful Links: 

• Facebook: http://facebook.com/ElizabethPolinskyLCSW 
• Instagram:  https://www.linkedin.com/in/ElizabethPolinskyLCSW 
• Work with Liz: www.ElizabethPolinskyLCSW.com
• Listen to other Episodes: www.communicateandconnectpodcast.com

Podcast Sponsor: The Adventure Challenge  is a mysterious scratch off book of 50 unique and creative adventures. You don't know what you're doing until you scratch it off! The goal is to inspire connection in your relationships through adventures and fun.  There are 3 editions--one for couples, one for families, and one for friends. If you are feeling in a rut in your relationships  and in need of adventure, this is a perfect book to get out outside of your normal routine and into fun experiences aimed at bringing you closer together. To get 15% off the adventure challenge, go to https://www.theadventurechallenge.com/discount/CONNECT15 or enter “CONNECT15”.

Elizabeth Polinsky, MSW, LCSW, is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker in Virginia (#0904011022), South Carolina (#11302), and Arkansas (#7735-C). She is also licensed as a Resident in Marriage and Family Therapy in Virginia (#0730000567) under the supervision of Marianne Coad, LPC, LMFT. 

My podcast, blogs, newsletters, and products are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my blog posts and newsletters is not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The blog posts and newsletters are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, accounts may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

With the Quality Time Love Language, individuals tend to feel loved when give them your undivided attention. Quality Time looks like looking into your partner’s eyes when talking, giving them your full attention, and wholeheartedly doing things they enjoy with them. These are actions that are all about giving your partner your life and attention, and they have a very large impact on making your partner feel loved when their love language is quality time. As with all the love languages, quality time does not have to be huge like a weeklong trip to the Bahamas. It can be smaller actions such spending 15-20 minutes at night talking about your days together, having a weekly date night, or going on a picnic together. In fact, frequency of quality time often makes a bigger impact making your partner feel loved than the big vacations. If this is your partner's love language, try to find moments where you can spend time with them often. (Wondering about the difference between primary and secondary love languages?? Click here to learn more.)

The key is focused attention on your partner. It’s not enough to be in the same room. Your attention needs to be on your partner. This doesn’t mean you have to always be looking into their eyes—you can do an activity together; this would be called quality activities. But the activity doesn’t actually matter. What matters is that you are doing something together without distractions.

Military life can often make quality time extra difficult with the hard work and changing schedules. When life gets busy, this is when quality time will be the most important. If you are the service member, you may come home wanting time to yourself or wanting to go out with friends. For you partner, they are longing for undisturbed time with you. It’s important to note that quality time can’t be stored up. Some individuals want a lot of quality time right before deployment or other type of situation. It is a myth that it can be stored up—however there are some things you can do while deployed to spend quality time together (see tips below).
 
The second key to quality time is quality conversation. This involves sharing experiences, feelings, and thoughts—all while having focused attention. This may involve asking question and showing interest in and desire to understand the thoughts and feelings of your partner. If this is your partner’s love language but not yours, you may have the desire to tell them how to fix the problem or the situations your partner tells you about. However, you partner is sharing the information with you because they are longing to connect with you through quality conversation—they don’t actually need help figuring out what to do. They need your undivided attention and interest in them. Part of what your partner is longing for is for you to open up about your thoughts and feelings (i.e., emotions like anger, frustrated, sad, disappointed, worried, concerned, etc.)—this makes your partners love tank feel full when they are longing for quality time and quality conversation. 

• Deployed or Long Distance: Create a website together that you can share daily news and latest photos; keep a phone journal and share it with your partner; plan phone dates when possible; read a book together and discuss it; if you can’t share the detail of your day then at least share how you are feeling (tired, annoyed, overwhelmed, etc.).

Since focused attention and quality conversation are so important for the person whose love language is quality time, distractions and multitasking will have a negative impact of causing them to feel emotionally deprived of love. You’ll want to avoid:

• Distractions when spending time together—put away your phone.
• Going a long time without one-on-one time together.
• Prioritizing time with friends and group activities without enough one-on-one time first.
• Not adding to the conversation. Make sure to ask questions, summarize the things you heard, and share what you are feeling.

​We all need love relationships to thrive in life. Part of having love relationships is knowing how to show love to others in a way that they will receive. For someone whose love language is quality time, then your undivided attention and interest in what they have to say will show them you care and helps your partner’s love tank feel full. When the emotional love tank is full, your partner will know they are important to you.

Download my FREE Guide Date Night: Ideas for Your Love Language. ​

Elizabeth Polinsky, MSW, LCSW, is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Virginia (#0904011022), South Carolina (#11302), and Arkansas (#7735-C). She is also licensed as a Resident in Marriage and Family Therapy in Virginia (#0730000567) under the supervision of Dr. Victoria Holroyd at The Relationship Center at East Beach.

My blogs and newsletters are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my blog posts and newsletters is not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The blog posts and newsletters are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, this account may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

With the Acts of Service Love Language, individuals tend to feel loved when you do things for them that you know they would like. Acts of service may be doing chores around the house, helping your partner study for a test or prepare for a presentation, or even cooking dinner for your partner and making sure to eat dinner together. Actions like this have a large very impact on making your partner feel loved when their love language is acts of service. As with all the love languages, acts of service do not have to be huge--like redoing the roof of the house. They can be small actions such as opening the door for you partner, helping clean up after dinner, or making the bed everyday. In fact, frequency of small acts of service could make a bigger impact on your partner than the large household projects. If this is your partner's love language, try to find small things to do for them often.  (Wondering about the difference between primary and secondary love languages?? Click here to learn more.)

The key is to do the things that are most important to your partner. So how to you determine what is most important? Try listening to the things they ask you to do the most, or the things they get critical about the most. Criticism in relationships is often related to deep emotional needs; your partner is often pleading for you to love them when they get critical. Instead of shutting down and getting defensive, it will be helpful for you to ask them “this is clearly important to you, help me understand why this is so important to you”. Over time, this will likely help your partner feel heard and understood, and then they will likely become less critical and make requests instead of demands.
 
If your love language is acts of service, then you may sometimes feel really frustrated and unloved when your partner does not do the things you ask them for. It is important to remember that love is a choice and can’t be forced. Sure, if you ask over and over again, you partner may eventually give in and do what you want. However, it won’t be out of love and may cause you both to feel further disconnected. No matter how much you ask, you cannot create your partner’s willingness to show you love in the way you desire it. They may still love you but be showing it in different ways--and I fully recognize that it may feel very empty for you if that is happening. In the end, all anyone can ever do is be grateful and appreciate when a partner chooses to show you love.

​If you are a partner of someone whose love language is acts of service, then you will also want to remember that you have a choice daily as to whether or not to love your significant other. You can choose to do this in any way you like, but you will get the most bang for your buck by meeting your partners requests as this will be more effective at making them feel emotionally loved.

Deployed or Long Distance:

• If you are at home, do house projects and send before and after photos to your partner; try to get things done on your own so your partner doesn’t need to do anything on the “honey-do list” when they get home.  
• If you are the one deployed or you are a long distance couple, arrange for things to be taken care of so your partner doesn’t have to worry about it—like arranging for the lawn to get mowed, childcare, a cleaning service, etc.

Since actions are so important for the person whose love language is acts of service, ignoring their requests will have a negative impact of causing them to feel emotionally deprived of love. You’ll want to avoid:

• Ignoring requests from your partner.
• Prioritizing the requests of other people over your partner’s requests.
• Lack of follow-through. If you say you are going to do something, do it.
• Assuming the things you are doing daily is what your partner wants you to do. If you cook dinner every day, but what your partner really wants is help with the kids, then their love tank will still feel empty because you aren’t doing the things they are longing for. The best thing is to ask them what you can help with and listen to their requests.

​We all need love relationships to thrive in life. Part of having love relationships is knowing how to show love to others in a way that they will receive. For someone whose love language is acts of service, then responding to their requests show them you care and helps your partner’s love tank feel full. When the emotional love tank is full, your partner will know they are important to you.

Download my FREE Guide Date Night: Ideas for Your Love Language. ​

Elizabeth Polinsky, MSW, LCSW, is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Virginia (#0904011022), South Carolina (#11302), and Arkansas (#7735-C). She is also licensed as a Resident in Marriage and Family Therapy in Virginia (#0730000567) under the supervision of Dr. Victoria Holroyd at The Relationship Center at East Beach.

My blogs and newsletters are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my blog posts and newsletters is not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The blog posts and newsletters are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, this account may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

With the Gifts Love Language, individuals tend to feel loved when they receive meaningful gifts from their partner.  Gifts like small notes, mementos, or their favorite dessert or candy have a large very impact on making them feel loved. This could also be a larger gift such as the engagement ring or other jewelry for woman, or watches etc. for men. The gift does not have to be big or expensive though. In fact, frequency of small gifts could make a bigger impact on your partner than expensive gifts if their love language is gifts. If this is your partner's love language, try giving them small gifts often.  (Wondering about the difference between primary and secondary love languages?? Click here to learn more.)

​The key is showing your appreciation for your partner through something tangible. This is something your partner can look at and say, “yea they were thinking of me”. When you partner’s love language is gifts, they prefer having visual representations of your love over other ways of showing love like touch or compliments. Make sure to find ways to give your partner small gifts often. This will make them feel close and connected to you!
 
Individuals whose love language is gifts tend to give gifts to the people who are close to them. They might buy coffee for someone, bake a cake for someone birthday, or make crafts or artwork for those that are important to them. They tend to be very giving toward others. If this is your partner’s love language, they are longing for you to show representations of love through tangible objects and give them small gifts to remind them that you have been thinking about them.

• If you are long distance or deployed: try mailing your partner a care package with different notes to open up at designated times. Remember to include pictures or items from your favorite memories together.

Since meaningful gifts are so important for the person whose love language is gifts, non-meaningful gifts will have less of an impact. You’ll want to avoid:

• Avoid generic gift cards. If you go the gift card route, make sure it is to something they REALLY love.  
• Avoid forgetting birthday or anniversary gifts. Set a reminder for yourself to get something in advance if this is not your language!
• Avoid only getting them gifts on special occasions. You want to make sure you give them some small gifts regularly.
• Avoid rejecting your partner’s gifts when they give you something. This is them showing you that you are important to them. Make sure to show them that you appreciate it.

​We all need love relationship to thrive in life. Part of having love relationships is knowing how to show love to others in a way that they will receive. For someone whose love language is gifts, then regular meaningful gives that show them you were thinking of them helps them feel full and confident in your love. This helps them know they are important to you.

Download my FREE Guide Date Night: Ideas for Your Love Language. ​

Elizabeth Polinsky, MSW, LCSW, is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Virginia (#0904011022), South Carolina (#11302), and Arkansas (#7735-C). She is also licensed as a Resident in Marriage and Family Therapy in Virginia (#0730000567) under the supervision of Dr. Victoria Holroyd at The Relationship Center at East Beach.

My blogs and newsletters are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my blog posts and newsletters is not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The blog posts and newsletters are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, this account may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

With the Physical Touch Love Language, individuals tend to feel loved when they receive physical touch and affection from their partner.  Touch like hugs, kisses, hand holding, and cuddling have a large very impact on making them feel loves. This could also be kissing your partner on the cheek as they walk by, or touching their arm as you move around them in the kitchen. The touch does not have to be sexual or for a long period of time. In fact, frequency of small touches could make a bigger impact on your partner than long cuddle sessions if their love language is physical touch. If this is your partner's love language, try touching them often.  (Wondering about the difference between primary and secondary love languages?? Click here to learn more.)

​The key is showing your love for your partner through touch. This can be through intimate sexual touch or through non-intimate/ non-sexual touching. When you partner’s love language is physical touch, they prefer being touched over the other ways of showing love like gifts or compliments. Make sure to find ways to touch your partner often. This will make them feel close and connected to you!
 
Individuals whose love language is physical touch tend to be touchy with the people who are close to them. They might hug people, play fight, tickle, or cuddle with those that are important to them. They tend to be very affectionate toward others. If this is your partner’s love language, they are longing for you to also be physically affectionate back, give them hugs and kisses, and be in physical proximity to them.

Since physical touch is so important for the person whose love language is physical touch, negative touch has an equally negative impact. You’ll want to:

• Avoid withholding affection when you are angry. During a fight, your partner will need to know you still care and one way to do that is to still hug them and touch them even when there is a disagreement.
• Avoid going long periods without physical touch if possible. You don’t want your partner to feel neglected from love.
• This might be obvious, but avoid any type harmful touch. Hurting your partner is never ok.
• Avoid rejecting your partner when they touch you. If you scoff, or treat them coldly when they touch you, this will hurt them deeply. Instead be open and receptive to their touch.

​We all need love relationships to thrive in life. Part of having love relationships is knowing how to show love to others in a way that they will receive. For someone whose love language is physical touch, hugging, kissing, and holding hands helps them feel full and confident in your love. This helps them know they are important to you.

Download my FREE Guide Date Night: Ideas for Your Love Language. ​

​Elizabeth Polinsky, MSW, LCSW, is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Virginia (#0904011022), South Carolina (#11302), and Arkansas (#7735-C). She is also licensed as a Resident in Marriage and Family Therapy in Virginia (#0730000567) under the supervision of Dr. Victoria Holroyd at The Relationship Center at East Beach.

My blogs and newsletters are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my blog posts and newsletters is not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The blog posts and newsletters are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, this account may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

With the Words of Affirmation Love Language, individuals tend to feel loved when they receive compliments from their partner.  Verbalizing your love with words has a large very impact for them. Statements like “I’m grateful you...”, “I appreciate that you…”, and “I love how you…” will help you partner feel loved if their primary love language is words of affirmation. If this is your partner's love language, try telling them things you appreciate about them and compliment them often.  (Wondering about the difference between primary and secondary love languages?? Click here to learn more.)

The key is showing your appreciation for your partner through words. This does not always have to be verbalizing it in person—hand written cards and notes will have the same impact as long as you are sharing your appreciations for your partner. When you partner’s love language is words of affirmation, they long to know what makes them special and unique to you. Make sure to tell them about why you find them special and why you love them. This will make their heart soar!
 
Individuals whose love language is words of affirmation tend to be very aware of the details of other peoples lives. They will notice if you did something different and will usually remember the details of your previous conversations and ask follow up questions when they see you next. They tend to be very encouraging and notice the unique details of others. If this is your partner’s love language, they are longing for you to notice the details of their life, ask follow up questions about how things have gone, and provide verbal encouragement and support.

Since words carry so much weight for the person whose love language is words of affirmation, negative blaming and criticism words have a powerfully negative impact. Just as positive words have an impact, the negative do too. They will be very hurt and wounded by negative and critical comments. You’ll want to avoid:

• Blaming them
• Name Calling
• Critical Remarks
• Teasing too much
• Using hurtful words
• Saying what you know will hurt them during a fight
• Condescending comments
• Trying to convince them they are wrong or actually think differently than what they are telling you
• Withholding words of affirmation as a form of punishment or to get your point across

​We all need love relationship to thrive in life. Part of having love relationships is knowing how to show love to others in a way that they will receive. For someone whose love language is words of affirmation, telling them how much you care for, appreciate, and love them helps them feel full and confident in your love. They need to understand why they are important to you.

Download my FREE Guide Date Night: Ideas for Your Love Language. ​

​Elizabeth Polinsky, MSW, LCSW, is a marriage and couple therapist specializing in working with military members, veterans, and their families. Liz is located in Norfolk, Virginia, and provides online counseling services throughout Virginia, South Carolina, and Arkansas. ​She is a Licensed Clinical Social Worker Virginia (#0904011022), South Carolina (#11302), and Arkansas (#7735-C). She is also licensed as a Resident in Marriage and Family Therapy in Virginia (#0730000567) under the supervision of Dr. Victoria Holroyd at The Relationship Center at East Beach.

My blogs and newsletters are general information for educational purposes only; they are not psychotherapy and not a replacement for therapy. The information provided does not constitute the formation of a therapist-patient relationship. You should consult your doctor or mental health provider regarding advice and support for your health and well being. I cannot answer questions regarding your specific situation. If you are experiencing a medical or mental health emergency, you should call 911, report to your local ER, or call the National Crisis Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. Nothing I post should be considered professional advice. The information in my blog posts and newsletters is not intended to be therapy or psychological advice. The blog posts and newsletters are not a request for a testimonial, rating, or endorsement from clients regarding counseling. If you are a current or former client/ patient, please remember that your comments may jeopardize your confidentiality. I will not “friend” or “follow” current or past clients to honor ethical boundaries and privacy; nor will I respond to comments or messages through social media from current or past clients. Current and past client’s should only contact me through the professional contact information provided on the website. Lastly, this account may be managed by multiple people. Therefore, comments and messages are monitored by staff and are not confidential.

The five love languages, based on the book by Dr. Gary Chapman, are a method of understanding how you and you feel loved. When you understand your love languages, and the love languages of your partner, you are better able to communicate your love in ways that will be heard.
 
Five Love Languages Summary (read the full overview here):
1.Words of Affirmation: With this love language, verbalizing love goes a long way.
2.Physical Touch: This love language longs to be physically close.
3.Gifts: Small meaningful gifts make this person feel loved.
4.Acts of Service: With this love language, actions speak louder than words.
5.Quality Time: This love language longs to have your undivided attention.

While most people have a top love language that makes them feel really loved. Some people have a primary and a secondary love language. You can learn more about primary and secondary love languages here. 

For the majority of people, the way natural ways they feel loved are also the natural ways they tend to try to show love to others. So for someone who feels loved when they are given gifts, they tend to give gifts to others to show their affection. In this case, this individual’s love language for receiving and giving love are the same.
 
However, for some individuals, they give and receive love differently. Maybe they feel really loved when they are complemented and told they are appreciated. However, they could have a different way of showing other that they love them—maybe they prefer quality time or acts of service as how they give love to others.
 
It is important to consider whether your love language is the same for both giving and receiving love, as well as whether your partners love language is the same for both giving and receiving. Having this information can help you modify your strategies so you can give love in a way your partner will receive it, as well as understand when they are trying to show you love—even if it isn’t always the same why that you would receive it!

If you aren't sure what you love language is, read my article on how to know your love language.

Download my FREE Guide Date Night: Ideas for Your Love Language. 

The five love languages, based on the book by Dr. Gary Chapman, are a method of understanding how romantic partners feel loved. When we understand our love languages, and the love languages of our partner, we are better able to communicate love in ways that will be heard.
 
Five Love Languages Summary (read the full overview here):
1.Words of Affirmation: With this love language, verbalizing love goes a long way.
2.Physical Touch: This love language longs to be physically close.
3.Gifts: Small meaningful gifts make this person feel loved.
4.Acts of Service: With this love language, actions speak louder than words.
5.Quality Time: This love language longs to have your undivided attention.

According to Dr. Chapman, people have primary and secondary love languages. A primary love language is what will have the largest impact on you or your partner, and if this primary love language is missing in the relationship it can have a deep and painful impact. For example, I have a best friend whose primary love language is gifts. If I give her a gift, it will make her feel very loved; and if I forget to give her a gift on her birthday, it will sting.
 
A secondary love language is another language that can make you feel loved, but doesn’t have as huge of an impact—either positive or negative. So in the case of my friend, compliments and words of affirmation make her feel good, but they don’t have the same positive impact as gifts. It also doesn’t hurt as badly when there aren’t as many words of affirmation.

In order to know your love language, think about a time when you felt really loved. See if you can pinpoint the times and events in your life where you were feeling loved. It may have been a time you were cuddling on the couch, or when someone gave you a meaningful complement or gift, or maybe the time someone helped you with grocery shopping or did laundry together. The times you felt loved are good pointers as to what your love language might be. Ask you partner about the memories when they have felt most loved. This will help you determine their love language as well.
 
Knowing primary and secondary love languages in a relationship is important because you want the most bang for your buck when it comes to making your partner feel loved. If you know your partner’s primary love language, then you know where to put a lot of your efforts in demonstrating love to them. The secondary love language is also helpful to know because you can bolster your efforts at showing love through sprinkling in healthy doses of your partners secondary love language on top of the primary love language.  ​

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Each person has something specific that makes him or her feel loved—a love language. The concept of love languages has become so wide spread that many people have heard of love languages even if they have never heard of Dr. Gary Chapman who wrote the book called The 5 Love Languages. Over the next 5 weeks, I will provide more in depth summaries of each love language, and below you will find a brief five love languages summary. I also highly recommend reading the book if you want a deep dive into each love language.

Words of affirmation: 
Individuals with this love language tend to feel loved when they receive compliments from their partner. Verbalizing love with words has a large impact for them. If this is your partner's love language, try telling them things you appreciate about them and compliment them often. 

Physical Touch:
This love language is all about touching each other. Physical touch does not have to be sex. Instead it is usually more important that there is a lot of non-sexual touching: cuddling, hand holding, shoulder touches or cheek kisses as you walk by. People with this love language long to be physically close.
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Gifts:
For individuals whose love language is gift, they feel so loved when you get them small gifts that show you were thinking of them. This could be a postcard when you are out of town, a note you put in their work bag, or picking up their favorite dessert when you are at the store. Small thoughtful gifts go a long way for this person.

Acts of Service:
When Acts of Service is your partner's love language, they feel loved and appreciated when you help them with the to-do list or things around the house. With this love language, actions speak louder than words. This may be helping with laundry, other household projects, or even picking up something that’s needed from the store.

Quality Time:
For this love language, your partner is longing to be the center of your attention. It doesn't matter what you do--it could be watching TV, cooking together, going grocery shopping—as long as you are doing it together. The important thing to remember for quality time is that these individuals want your attention without distractions. 

Love languages are important to consider because when partners differ in what makes them feel loved, there can be conflicts and misunderstandings. Love language communication is about making sure you know what will make both of you feel loved so you can express your love in ways that you both will heard it from your partner. If you don't take into consideration potentially different love languages, your expression of love may actually be pushing your partner away.

Another challenge is that sometimes you may give love and receive love differently. Next week will cover the differences between giving and receiving love based on the five love languages. 

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